the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
