We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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