Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
