dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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