Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Randomize
