remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
