I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize