508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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