I wanna bring you to show and tell
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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