How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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