tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
