go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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