My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
