i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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