i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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