I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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