Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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