we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I need to sanitize my soul.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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