Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
