I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
well, you know. whores of a feather.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
