were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
