I wish I could teleport
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
