I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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