I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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