its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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