just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
