I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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