she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
