Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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