I think my fart just growled at me.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
