I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I wish you could order shots online.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
