god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
