do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
