how do flat chested girls get laid?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
