I can tuck mytits in my pants
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
