this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
