I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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