Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
