Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
