Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
