Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
