ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
