I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
