why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm both gender and math confused
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
