I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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