She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
