i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
