someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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