My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
