Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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