I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
