I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She bit a glass in half.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
