dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Let's paint friendship bongs
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Pants are for mortals
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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