Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
