god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
