I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
