areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
