we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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