Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
