Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just gargled with NyQuil
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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