my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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