did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
