Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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