that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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