that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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