Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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